These Are the Conversations We Have On the Way Home From School

Riiiiiing! Riiiiiing!

Hello! You have reached the offices of The Avenger (tm), wholesale suppliers of retributive justice at affordable rates. “If you’ve been wronged, we’ll make them pay.”

Unfortunately we are either on the phone or away from our desk right now and cannot answer your call. Please do not despair! Your call is important to us!

If this is an emergency, please hang up and dial 911.

Please listen carefully, as our menu options have changed.

Para continuar en espanol, oprima el dos.

If this is about a family feud, press 1. Be prepared to specify degree of kinship, age of consent in your jurisdiction, value of property destroyed or stolen, and whether alcohol was involved in the original incident. Rates may vary depending upon the specific conditions described.

If this is about a business dealing, drug run or gambling debt, press 3.

If your baby done you wrong, press 4.

If you are a Supreme Agent of Evil (SAE) fulfilling an ancient prophecy and have been thwarted by a goatherder who has only recently discovered he is the Chosen Hero, press 5.

If you are an SAE betrayed by love, ambitious underlings, scandalous press or divine intervention, press 6.

For all sports-related issues, including rivalry games, press 7.

For all work-related issues, press 8. Please note that we no longer accept commissions from academics regarding the scheduling of Friday classes, as we regard such things as within the boundaries of normal duties and not within the parameters of “betrayal” as defined in The Avenger (tm) Manual. Seriously, dude. Live with it.

If you are calling about a planned paranoid drug-fueled spree of destruction right down the middle of Main Street USA that will show them all, every last one of them – whether accompanied by maniacal laughter or not – please hang up and contact a local mental health center or substance abuse program immediately.

For all other concerns, please stay on the line and one of our trained specialists will assist you in determining the level of vengeance appropriate for your case and budget.

Remember, when it’s all about you, you’re all about us.

Thank you, and have a great day!

BEEEEEEEEEEEEP