1. Tonight I introduced my daughters to the cheesiest song ever written, the absolute greatest piece of music for belting out at the top of one’s lungs while stumbling drunkenly down the middle of a street at a thoroughly unreasonable hour: MacArthur Park. I feel I deserve some kind of parenting award for this.
2. On Wednesday it was cooler inside my body than it was outside my body, here in our little town. Today was sweatshirt weather. All told, I’d rather have the sweatshirts.
3. There is a special kind of hell reserved for people with big dumb loud aggressive dogs who do nothing whatever to discipline or train said big dumb loud aggressive dogs. I am absolutely sure that this hell involves fire ants, honey, and strategic nudity.
4. You always go to the funeral if you can. Even if, like me, you hate funerals. It’s a matter of respect and support.
5. At some point scientists are just going to come out and declare that everything you can possibly eat will kill you, and then we will just eat the things we like and not worry about it. That point may come as early as Tuesday.
6. Our machines get smarter, and our ability to use those machines gets less and less. Eventually the machines won’t even bother to conquer us – they’ll just set us gently in a corner and go about their business while we stare blankly at the walls.
7. Someone should take the greeting card industry aside and let them know that there are more card-giving occasions than just birthdays. Sometimes there isn’t even an occasion at all.
8. When I am in charge of the universe, there will be a strict enforcement of the negative correlation between how loud your vehicle is and how big your genitals are so that nobody will even have to guess anymore. You want a glass-packed 4x4? Prepare to advertise your shortcomings openly.
9. Students never quite get how much their teachers simply choose not to see.