1. I pay my taxes and am a contributing member of society.
2. I have read and understood the Constitution.
3. I know how to do my job.
4. I understand that “the opposite of the Nazis” is generally the proper moral and political stance.
6. I know for a fact that Americans should not be treated as second-class citizens in their own country.
7. There is no possibility that I am currently on the payroll of any foreign government.
8. I know that education is the foundation of American prosperity.
9. I understand the important and necessary role that immigrants have in creating and maintaining American society and industry.
10. When I make a promise, I actually keep it.
11. I have never employed anyone whose sole job was to keep me distracted enough that I wouldn’t cause an international incident out of a juvenile need to be the center of attention.
12. I am not working to destroy the federal government.
13. I have never advocated sexual assault.
14. I can follow a coherent train of thought to its logical conclusion, make rational arguments, and weigh actual evidence.
15. I am a member in good standing of the Reality-Based Community.
16. The federal government is not spending millions of dollars to protect family members who refuse to live with me.
17. I have not spent more than half of my working hours doing things other than my job.
18. I have a demonstrated capacity to learn.
19. I have never billed my employer for personal travel.
20. I am aware that bullying the vulnerable is a sign of weakness, not strength.
21. My faith is not politically motivated or economically expedient, nor is that of my supporters.
22. I pay people who do work for me.
23. Having actual principles enables me to resist agreeing with whoever happens to speak to me most recently.
24. I am not willing to see Americans die to finance a tax cut for the wealthy.
25. No Scotsman has ever had any reason to call me a cockwomble.
26. I have never committed an impeachable offense.
27. It is not my habit to piss off people who can destroy the entire American economy anytime they want to.
28. I am not insecure enough to play silly handshake games with grown men.
29. I can count.
30. I am actually concerned about what the world will look like when I am gone and it belongs to the next generation.
31. I avoid white supremacists rather than employ them.