Kim and I renewed our wedding vows last night. This was not really how we had planned to spend a Friday night in September, but it the opportunity came up and we took it.
She’s stuck with me now.
The original plan was to go to a fundraiser for Family Equality, one of the groups that was instrumental in bringing about marriage equality in the United States – the surprisingly radical idea that Americans should be treated equally under the law and not denied human, civil, or legal rights arbitrarily. I wrote about the unadulterated bigotry of those who would deny marriage equality in this space way back in 2009, and when the Supreme Court ruling in Obergefell v. Hodges came down in 2015 and did away with that particular bit of insanity I celebrated it here as well. The fact that Family Equality continues to have a real need to exist – to protect the right of all Americans to marry and prevent marriage from becoming a privilege reserved only for a few favored Americans – is a damning indictment of American culture, but here we are. Add it to the pile of such indictments here in 2025.
A couple of years ago I had an interim boss who was a lot of fun to have around. She was good at the job and she was even better at walking that fine line that interim bosses always have to walk between not trying to micromanage the people already doing the work or make sweeping changes in a limited-time situation, on the one hand, and being firmly and unambiguously in charge on the other. That takes talent. Plus she was always a good person to talk with. We were all hoping she’d stay on, but she’d already retired at least once by then and we ended up just fine with the new permanent boss after she left.
She and her wife celebrated their ten-year anniversary this year – a direct outcome of the Obergefell decision – and this was their party. Of course we went.
It was a grand and lovely time, it has to be said. There were all sorts of interesting people there and we found some friends to hang out with as well. There was good food and drink. I got to see my first drag show, and it was interesting – I’m not sure whether I’ll ever go out of my way to go to another one but I enjoyed it and I don’t see what all the anguish and panic over these shows is for. If you like camp you’ll like this, and it went over very well with a crowd that ranged in age from middle school to well past retirement. People need to find better hobbies than persecuting harmless entertainment.
It was a fundraiser event, of course, so there was a 50/50 raffle. We’re in the midwest. There will always be a 50/50 raffle. I spent seven years selling 50/50 raffle tickets down at Local Businessman High School for the theatrical productions that Oliver and Lauren worked on (“Tickets! Gluten-free low-fat tickets! One size fits all! The quality goes in before the name goes on! Get your tickets here!”) so I know the drill. You could also just make donations, which of course people did.
One of the highlights of the evening for me was meeting Jim Obergefell, who is a friend of my former boss and her wife. It turns out that he is a lovely and gracious person to talk with about a great many things. Hot sauce, for example.
She’s stuck with me now.
The original plan was to go to a fundraiser for Family Equality, one of the groups that was instrumental in bringing about marriage equality in the United States – the surprisingly radical idea that Americans should be treated equally under the law and not denied human, civil, or legal rights arbitrarily. I wrote about the unadulterated bigotry of those who would deny marriage equality in this space way back in 2009, and when the Supreme Court ruling in Obergefell v. Hodges came down in 2015 and did away with that particular bit of insanity I celebrated it here as well. The fact that Family Equality continues to have a real need to exist – to protect the right of all Americans to marry and prevent marriage from becoming a privilege reserved only for a few favored Americans – is a damning indictment of American culture, but here we are. Add it to the pile of such indictments here in 2025.
A couple of years ago I had an interim boss who was a lot of fun to have around. She was good at the job and she was even better at walking that fine line that interim bosses always have to walk between not trying to micromanage the people already doing the work or make sweeping changes in a limited-time situation, on the one hand, and being firmly and unambiguously in charge on the other. That takes talent. Plus she was always a good person to talk with. We were all hoping she’d stay on, but she’d already retired at least once by then and we ended up just fine with the new permanent boss after she left.
She and her wife celebrated their ten-year anniversary this year – a direct outcome of the Obergefell decision – and this was their party. Of course we went.
It was a grand and lovely time, it has to be said. There were all sorts of interesting people there and we found some friends to hang out with as well. There was good food and drink. I got to see my first drag show, and it was interesting – I’m not sure whether I’ll ever go out of my way to go to another one but I enjoyed it and I don’t see what all the anguish and panic over these shows is for. If you like camp you’ll like this, and it went over very well with a crowd that ranged in age from middle school to well past retirement. People need to find better hobbies than persecuting harmless entertainment.
It was a fundraiser event, of course, so there was a 50/50 raffle. We’re in the midwest. There will always be a 50/50 raffle. I spent seven years selling 50/50 raffle tickets down at Local Businessman High School for the theatrical productions that Oliver and Lauren worked on (“Tickets! Gluten-free low-fat tickets! One size fits all! The quality goes in before the name goes on! Get your tickets here!”) so I know the drill. You could also just make donations, which of course people did.
One of the highlights of the evening for me was meeting Jim Obergefell, who is a friend of my former boss and her wife. It turns out that he is a lovely and gracious person to talk with about a great many things. Hot sauce, for example.
I hope that he did not mind this middle-aged straight guy fanboying him at intervals during the evening, but in my defense it is not often that you get to meet someone you consider a hero. He has earned a place in the history of American civil rights, and for that he should be recognized and honored. And, it seems, occasionally (politely) fanboyed.
He gave a short presentation describing the events that led up to and followed the Supreme Court’s decision in his case, and it is striking how often being a hero comes from just wanting simple things. To be treated with dignity. To be someone’s lawfully wedded spouse. To want the things that people should have without having to fight for them. To fight for them anyway because someone has to.
It turns out that he is also an ordained minister and my boss and her wife had asked him to officiate for them to renew their vows, and when my former boss asked the crowd if any other couples wanted to join them in this, Kim and I decided we were in.
There were a lot of couples up there, and it was a brief and lovely ceremony in the middle of a larger event, and sometimes that’s all you need.
Kim and I have been married for almost thirty years now. Marriage equality has existed in the US for ten. At this point I feel I have a very good handle on the state of our marriage both before and after the Obergefell decision. There’s plenty of data. And it turns out that recognizing the right of other Americans to marry has never, not once, threatened our marriage.
Marriage is not a limited resource, like strawberry jam, to be spread ever more thinly as the world makes more toast until it disappears. It is instead something that grows as it is shared. And that is an unmitigated good, for those who wish to share in it.
Wait …
ReplyDeleteWell, isn’t that just lovely. Now I have to keep track of two different dates for your anniversary(ies)?. 24 November and now 19 September. too? What’s this poor guy to do?
Congrats? 😉 [/kidding]
Many Happy Returns. (Be certain to keep your receipt)
Lucy
Thanks!
ReplyDeleteWe generally default the first one to "the Saturday after Thanksgiving" since it's easier to remember that way (it was the 25th that year, but we've celebrated many times on the 24th so we'll take that date too - I'm impressed that you remembered!). It's always good to celebrate. :)
I think my warranty expired a long time ago so the receipt just has sentimental value now. Still worth keeping just for that, though.
If I'm going to be truthful, I didn't remember - I've got it on my calendar (and obviously wrong this year because you'll be observing on the 29th - appropriate change noted). 😖☺️
ReplyDeleteWarranties tend to expire 11 hours before you need them. Receipts are necessary for returns and/or exchanges, and you two are likely well past that period. I don't believe that renewing your vows restarts that, so you're probably SOL. 🥰
Lucy
Yeah, no returns or exchanges at this point. I'll take that as win.
ReplyDeleteThe 29th! Huh. That's late, which is good because it will give me time to prepare. My gift-giving talents can best be described as "sincere."
Well now I am jealous. May this hero remain so longer than Neil Gaiman did for me. [Peggy Seeger, I still have!]
ReplyDeleteAnd.... yeah, sheesh. Opposition to others' love has always been one of the harder things for me to understand. Fear of Other, as often, I guess.
Yeah, it's always dangerous having heroes, who are after all just people. I try not to think about Gaiman for the same reasons I try not to think about Bill Cosby - sometimes the people you look up to turn out to be monsters and then you have to change your position.
ReplyDeleteI have to say that I'm not too worried here. He was a lovely person to talk with, and given his role in marriage equality I figure if the bigots haven't been able to doxx him in the last ten years there's nothing for them to find.
Part of that opposition is fear of the Other, I'm sure. Part of it the fact that marriage equality forces people to reconsider what the basic function and purpose of marriage is and that the bog-standard traditional view might not be accurate. And some of it is just nonsense. I've had these arguments a few times over the years and nobody has ever been able to give me any reason why I should take the opposing view seriously at all.