Confessions of a Non-Lawbreaker

I'm not a felon. Who knew?

In order for me to teach on-line next year, they had to run a criminal background check on me. Because you never know what awfulness I might be able to accomplish communicating by email with people I will never meet or even know what state they live in.

Great googly moogly, folks. If I could pull that off, don't you think I could avoid getting caught in other escapades as well? Not that I have other escapades, but, you know, if I did?

I could be a criminal mastermind, if only I were a criminal. Or a mastermind.

So, given that, I wasn't all that concerned by the digging around in my past. I've led a quiet life. I have on my Legal Permanent Record a grand total of one speeding ticket - ironically enough, achieved at a time when I was actually trying to stay within the speed limit, as opposed to my normal driving practice, but so it goes. It makes up for all the times I was, with malice aforethought, wantonly going 75mph in a 65mph zone. Of course, some of those times I was passed by state troopers in no obvious hurry to do anything else, so you can't always tell what is ticket-worthy and what isn't.

There was also the small recent matter of my yelling a little too loudly at a business that kept calling me at home at all hours (seriously - 5:45am on a Sunday? you'd yell too) but that seems to have blown over without any legal repercussions. We both wanted the same thing in the end - not to have any further contact with each other - and things have worked out swimmingly in that regard.

Of course, there is the matter of all the other folks running around with my name. It is not an uncommon name, really, and if the irate collections agent who called me in 1989 demanding restitution for debts incurred in Texas is anything to go by, it is a name I share with some Class A morons.

Honestly - Texas? Give me a break.

So now I'm cleared for take-off. Look out students, here I come! And slightly faster than posted limits, too - catch me if you can!